I NEVER SQUISH SPIDERS. Why? Because of The Spider Queen and her minions!

Killing Bugs is Wrong! Well, at least when we are in their house.

When I was 12 or 13 years old, my class took a trip to a day camp. When we were out on a dock getting ready get into canoes, a girl was about to squish a bug. BAD IDEA!

The counselor was horrified and scolded her pretty sternly. He explained the following: We were in the bug’s home and we should respect that. That bug was not bothering anyone; we should not bother it. How would you feel if somebody came into your home and squished you?

That really stuck with me. I am a bit of a tree hugger and squashing bugs just for the fun of it is not one of my hobbies. Remembering that day, plus liking bugs, means I really do go out of my way to respect the creepy crawlies when outside. I chose to enter their world and I should respect that!

The rules are a little different in cases of  self-defense.
If a mosquito thinks she is gonna make a meal of me, or that tick thinks he is going for a ride, all bets are off. They are hurting me and the are getting the axe. So it goes when you are at war. Kill or be killed!

What about the bugs that dare to enter MY home?

If a creepy crawly dares to find its way into my home, it will promptly be escorted out. My house is for people and pets. Maybe a houseplant if it is lucky enough to survive. Bees, flies, beetles, millipedes and the like are not welcome. Out the door they go!

If a bug dares to come into my home be hostile – SQUISH! This goes for anything that will be feasting on me, my food, or my home. Mosquitos, ticks, fruit flies, and the like – SQUISH!

SPIDERS have a strict NO SQUISH Policy, always!

I NEVER SQUISH SPIDERS – outside in nature, in my house, even as they crawl across my bare foot.

I have the ultimate respect for spiders. They provide a valuable service by feasting on the “OK to squish” types of bugs. Cleaning up their cobwebs is a small price to pay for a free exterminator. There are a lot of other cool reasons spiders are good and why you shouldn’t kill them.

As cool as spiders are, there are still those arachnophobic types. A lot of them are (gasp) SPIDER SQUISHERS!

I respect spiders. I am also totally creeped out by spiders. Yup. An arachnophobic type. I get chills just looking at pictures of spiders. Even toy spiders and cartoon spiders give me the creeps. Why? Who knows. Maybe I should never have watched Kingdom of the Spiders at such a young age.

If I am so scared of spiders, you think I would squish one if I saw it crawling around my house. OH NO! I NEVER SQUISH A SPIDER! I am too afraid of spiders to squish them. I don’t want to get that close. The thought of feeling, or hearing, it squish is giving me so much anxiety right now I just had to remind myself to breathe!

Then there is the SPIDER QUEEN! If I squish a spider I risk the Spider Queen sending out her minions in retaliation.

Yes, you read that correctly. The Spider Queen will find out what I did and, like the flying monkeys in the Wizard of Oz, she will dispatch spiders to get me. What will they do to me? I have no idea. And I am glad my crazy mind decided to stop before deciding. I don’t even want to attempt to go there! Nothing good could come if it.

I have no idea where the Spider Queen lives or what she looks like. I am pretty sure she is enormous. A giant wolf spider or tarantula. She is not evil. She pretty much keeps to herself. Like a queen bee. But if I kill a spider, it will make her very angry.

Why hasn’t the Spider Queen done anything about all those spider killers out there? I have no idea. I don’t care about them. This is all about me and me not wanting to be hunted down by spider minions! (This coming from a girl who thinks it is nutty of her friend to be afraid of wonder bread!)

If I don’t squish spiders, what do I do with them?
If I can manage it, I will collect the little guy in a cup and put him outside where he belongs. If I can’t get to the spider, or if they have set up a web, they are welcome to hang out. I stay out of their way. I also give them a name. My crazy brain thinks they are less scary if I name them. And talk to them. Hey, whatever works !

 Yup. That is a spider in my cup!

I have a feeling the spiders have caught on to my “No Squish Policy”.
I seem to see the darn things everywhere. Most recently on the outside of my shower curtain as I was showering. That spidey shadow looked like something right out of a horror movie. Scariest shower ever! After I emerged from the bathroom, my mother (visiting at the time) asked who I was talking to. I was negotiating with the spider to keep its distance. I told you I talk to them. He did not cooperate and ended up on the shower curtain rail, taunting me. I am sure he is bragging to all of his spider friends. Pervert. I hope the Spider Queen gives him a scolding!

What do you think about spiders? Squish or No Squish?

Who Invited MSG to The Party? Why and how much are you eating?

I Read Food Labels…Carefully.

Out of sheer necessity, I am becoming an expert label reader. Nutritional information is easy. I mastered that decades ago. Now I am tackling the ingredient lists. The effort it takes to read through a paragraph of multi-syllabic jargon in tiny type is unbelievable, exhausting even.

Why do I do it?
 At the age of 30 I managed to acquire a host of food allergies, sensitivities, and intolerances. These cause anything from migraines to a runny nose to gas to… I will leave it at that. Obvious things to avoid are the ones I am allergic to or that wreak havoc on my digestive system – wheat, barley, sesame, coconut, etc.

Recently, I have decided to eliminate as many additives as possible – this includes anything unnatural, most dyes, flavor enhancers, salt, nitrites. The list goes on. Why do this? I am sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. I am sick and tired of taking pills all day – 14 prescriptions and a handful of vitamins and supplements. This is no way to live.

The FDA might require certain things be labeled, but who decides on the teeny tiny type?!

I think changing my diet will help me feel better. Why?
While many people do fine eating whatever they want in moderation, or even in excess, some do not. Evidence suggests that some people are very sensitive to the sorts of ingredients I mentioned above. Plus, I know folks that have stopped eating them and feel happier and healthier. If there is a chance it is going to make me feel better, then why not try it?

I decided to start with MSG and Red 40 simply because I am most familiar with those two. I was shocked by what I learned about each of the. MSG was the first to make my head spin.

NO MSG!

If you live in the United States and have ordered Chinese takeout, you have undoubtedly seen “No MSG” written on the menu. Why?
As far as I can tell, it is due to at least one famous account of “Chinese Restaurant Syndrome” where a person fell ill after eating Chinese food cooked with MSG. This led to the general public belief that MSG is bad, especially in Chinese food. I am sure Chinese restaurant owners did not want to take a risk of getting anyone sick, or losing any business, so they stopped using MSG and advertised the change.

 Chinese Restaurants aren’t the only ones bragging about ‘No MSG”

After I started reading labels more carefully, I noticed MSG popping up in ingredients lists more than I expected.  Why is this stuff that is so supposedly bad for you in so many other foods?

I guarantee there are those of you out there dosing yourselves with MSG on a regular basis without even knowing it. I know I was. It is in my favorite chips (that I no longer eat) and a host of yummy salty snacks and packaged prepared foods.

Either MSG is not bad for you, or a certain manufacturer of yummy tortilla chips and other well known companies are trying to poison us! So, which is it?

Is MSG safe, or are we being poisoned?
From what my preliminary research tells me (gotta love Google), it is a little of both.

Monosodium glutamate, MSG, is a flavor enhancer.
In plain terms, it makes food taste better. If you want to know how, you can read up on it here. Makes sense why snack food companies would want to use it. They want you to love the taste of their food so much that you keep eating it, and eating it, and buying more of it. They want to do this as cheaply and easily as possible. Enter the MSG.

The American Food and Drug Administration does not consider MSG to be unsafe, or at least not harmful enough to be banned. I do not blame them.

Monosodium glutamate , or similar substances, have been used for over 100 years. MSG is used in many foods on supermarket shelves in America and consumed by millions of people every day. There are no studies to show that MSG directly causes any diseases. As far as I have found, there are no studies that show it causes illness in healthy adults (I will be researching this further).

Even if there is no concrete evidence that MSG is harmful to the general public, it does not mean it is 100% safe for everyone. There is evidence that some people are particularly sensitive to MSG and these people can suffer ill effects. MSG is one of those “eat at your own risk” foods. You will be just fine, unless you are one of the people it makes sick. If you are one of those people, you should avoid it. I am sure this is the reason the FDA requires it to be listed on ingredient labels. Good for the FDA.

Personally, I appreciate being alerted that there is something in my food that might be making me sick, even mildly. And even if the FDA says it is fine to eat MSG, I think I will do my best to avoid it.

I have never met someone that can definitely say MSG makes them sick, but I believe they are out there. I do know plenty of people that have felt better after they stopped eating junk food. Junk food (packaged snacks, boxed and prepared foods) seem to be the ones that most often contain MSG. These foods also contain plenty of other unhealthy things (fat, salt, artificial color and flavor). Makes sense that you would feel better eating none or less of them. I think most people would agree on this. additionally, some people with ADHD, migraines, and similar conditions have decreased symptoms after eliminating foods with additives. I do know of actual cases of this.

 Can you spot the MSG?

Hidden MSG!

Now that I am giving up junk food and prepared foods does this mean I am free of MSG?
Close but not quite.

I found MSG hiding in a few places I did not expect:
Salad dressings (not a big surprise) and seasoning mixes (huge surprise). I foolishly thought that maybe the better brands, the kinds that encourage you to feed them to families and children, would be wholesome and devoid of MSG. Not so. That kid with the rosy chubby cheeks is slurping up a bowl of chicken noodle MSG.

Foods that do not contain MSG can still be sources of glutamic acid, the part of MSG that acts as a flavor enhancer. These include ingredients such as hydrolyzed vegetable protein. I see that one a lot. I never knew it was a flavor enhancer. That makes these foods troublesome for some people as well. So much so that the FDA does not allow “No MSG” or “No Added MSG” on food labels if the food contains ingredients that are sources of free glutamate (glutamic acid). Great. A new list of words to memorize!

The only way to be 100% sure to avoid MSG and other sources of glutamic acid is to restrict your diet to fresh foods, whole foods, organic foods. A great idea in theory. Anyone that knows me knows that is just not gonna happen for me now. Maybe some day. For now I will have the occasional jarred sauce or frozen dinner. But you can belive I am going to read that label before I put it in my cart.

What do you think?

Is MSG safe?
 How much MSG have you been eating? Are you surprised?
Will you consider cutting back on MSG in your diet? Your child’s?

Wonder Bread and The Big Spoon…the odd things we fear.

Everyone is afraid of something.

Snakes. Heights. Flying. Fear tells us we are in danger. That we should be careful. Fear is good. Unless it spins out of control into a phobia. That is not so good.

Then there is the kind of fear that is just plain funny. Not so extreme to be a phobia, but still very noticeable.  It serves no purpose. It is totally illogical. But we have it anyway. And sometimes all we can do is laugh about it.

Let me give a few examples: That booger sucker bulb thing for babies. I cannot even think of it without shuddering and practically gagging. Why? I have no idea. It is not the boogers. It is the object itself. I am cringing now just writing about it. It totally creeps me out. So do Justin Bieber, Taylor Swift, frozen food, Mickey Mouse, the number three… One of these days I will have to tell you about the Spider Queen.

What follows are two of the most adorable fears I have ever come across. They belong to a good friend of mine. She and I are like two peas in a pod in many respects, mostly of the quirky type. Hopefully we will still be friends after she reads this! Love you, hunny!

–

Wonder Bread is scary!

Imagine peanut butter and jelly on soft, white bread. The pillowy-soft kind of bread your fingers sink into. Yum! A treat I only dream about since adopting a gluten free diet. Oh there is gluten free bread, but pillowy-soft it is not ! So much for my favorite college hangover breakfast – tuna on white and a glass of milk.

What are sandwich dreams for me are anything but for one of my best friends. Closer to sandwich nightmares. She has an aversion to soft sliced white bread. She is freaked out by soft bread – the kind that your finger sink into. Not because it is stripped of nutrition. Not because she can’t eat wheat. It creeps her out.

The top offender is Wonder Bread. This particular brand is especially frightening. She can’t go near it. Seriously. This American staple in the cheery red, yellow, and blue bag is scary. How can anyone be afraid of something so jolly?! Why this brand? She and I have no idea. All we can figure is that her fear is of soft bread and Wonder Bread does look especially soft.

If I were to put a bunch of Wonder Bread in her kitchen, she might not be able to enter! I think this is completely ridiculous. She knows it is ridiculous. We have had a good laugh over it. We love each other like sisters, quirks included. But still, the sadist in me is dying to send her a great big box of it for the sole purpose of freaking her out. Thank goodness the friend in me can’t bring myself to do it.

So if my quirky friend isn’t eating white bread, what is she eating? She prefers “a hard Italian.” She and I are pretty sure she was referring to bread when she said that.

–

Forks, Sporks, and the Big Cereal Spoon

I have one of those silverware holders with the slots shaped like the utensils that go in them. Knives on the far left, then forks, then spoons. I grew up with one of these trays in the silverware drawer. Everywhere I have lived I put the utensils in that order, preformed tray or not. That is the order the plastic tray has dictated all these years, so that must be the way they go.

You can imagine my dismay when I was helping put away my friend’s dishes and I saw knives, then spoons, then forks. No no no! Why?! This cannot be. The preformed tray forbids it. It goes knives, then forks, then spoons. All drawers must follow suit! How dare she?!

I shared my confusion and frustration with my friend. She knows I am neurotic. Something like that would easily freak me out. After we laughed about it, I admitted that she has the right to store her kitchen items as she pleases, even if my dysfunctional brain cannot accept it.

I did seriously ask why that particular arrangement. I had to. Like I said, I am neurotic. I needed to know or I would obsess over it forever. Her answer started out simple enough. She uses forks more than spoons and it is easier to access the forks if they are on the outside. OK. Fair enough. She threw me for a loop when I asked her why she uses forks the most.

She does not like spoons. Spoons are scary. She hates using them. Even the thought of using one bothers her. She avoids spoons whenever possible.  Cottage cheese and even yogurt are “fork foods”. I bet she even eats pudding with a fork!  Just the thought of eating with the “big spoon” is enough to give her goosebumps.

I love the big spoon! I use the big spoon all the time. How on earth can you expect me to eat my cereal with that tiny teaspoon?! Why fear spoons at all?

I can see being afraid of knives. There is a definite risk of injury there. Even forks. A fork can be a weapon. My uncle nearly poked my mother’s eye out with a fork. But spoons? They are so curvy. And fun. You can even hang them from the end of your nose! At least I can. A skill  I will happily demonstrate that the dinner table – four star restaurants included. Ice cream is eaten with a spoon. How can that be bad?! Hmmm, could this be an odd expression of a fear of gaining weight? I smell a thesis! Oh wait, I’m not in school anymore. Anyhoo…

In a rare moment of brilliance, my boyfriend posed a question. What does my friend think of sporks? Would this unnatural combination of spoon and fork throw her into a conflicted tailspin of good vs. evil?!  I was totally disappointed in the very bland answer. She explained to me as we had a snack of cottage cheese, me with a spoon and she with her fork. Sporks are not as bad as a spoon, but she would rather use a fork if she had the choice. Guess she isn’t headed for the loony bin quite yet.

Or maybe we both should be locked up. Who spends so much time discussing the nuances of utensil preference? Two loony peas in a pod, that’s who. For now we are free to laugh with, and at, each other. Right, sweetie??

Do you have any ridiculous fears?

Parenting in the Cereal Aisle – Hooray for good dads.

At my recent trip to the supermarket I witnessed something that renewed my faith in young dads. (Before you think I am some sort of weird creeper. I was not spying on this family. The whole episode happened rather quickly AND they were in the way of my cereal!)

The supermarket is not a place we see many parents at their best – especially the cereal aisle.

Bored children are tempted with an onslaught of bright-colored boxes sporting fun characters. What child wouldn’t want to take one home? The youngest ones want to play with them; the older ones know they are full of sugary goodness. The cereal aisle can really test a parent’s mettle.

As I scanned the lower shelves for the gluten-free Rice Krispies an adorable little girl caught my eye. She was maybe three years old. The perfect height to look those cheery cartoon characters right in the eye. Nearly old enough to walk and talk like a little adult, but not nearly old enough to reason like one.

She was with who I assume was her father. An average looking young man, probably in his twenties. By the way she was acting, I could tell she was recently denied the joy of adding one of these magical boxes to the cart. Little Miss was in a mood! She was about to stomp off in a huff.

Daddy was having none of that.
He very calmly asked his daughter to hold his hand. Yeah, right! She did what every defiant little girl does. Little Miss pulled away and began to stomp off, albeit very slowly. Daddy calmly informed her that if she did not hold his hand, he would have to pick her up.

One more try at the hand.
No deal. Little Miss was fit to throw a fit at this point.  You could see it coming. Fists clenching, brow furrowing.

Daddy made good on his word.
He scooped up his daughter and held her to his chest. Little Miss, of course, was now throwing her fit. You know how it goes. The tantrum. Parents you have dealt with it a hundred thousand times. Fellow grocery shoppers you have walked by it, probably rolled your eyes at it too. Legs kicking, crying just to make noise.

It was adorable.
Little Miss was having a crying fit on Daddy’s shoulder and he didn’t bat an eye. I doubt his pulse increased even a beat per minute.

As they exited the cereal aisle, finally allowing me to access the yummy goodness I craved, he leaned his head to look at his daughter. She picked up her teary-eyed head. Daddy very simply asked her “Are you done yet?” She stopped crying just long enough to shake her head and moan “No”. Daddy said, “ok”, gently guided her head back onto his shoulder, and kept walking.

Little Miss continued her crying. And why not? Her world was ending! She was denied a box of colorful friends. She was snagged up from her grocery aisle romp. The horror!

I saw them shortly after.
Little Miss still in Daddy’s arms. Smile on her face. No cereal in the cart.

I loved seeing this. It turned me to mush.
What a great dad.

What makes me so gushy over this?

It is as much about what I didn’t see as what I did. Anyone can gush over a young dad holding his daughter. That’s a no brainer.

What didn’t I see?

– There was no yelling at the child. What good would it do to yell at a three-year old?
-There was no reasoning with the child. Why should there be? She doesn’t understand why she wants it let alone your adult reasons why she can’t have it.
– There was no dragging the defiant child down the aisle by her tiny hand. This is always a bad idea, but believe me I still see it.

Maybe there was something in the air that day that allowed this young man to keep his cool so beautifully. I have to say, everyone was oddly cheery and chatty. Or maybe he is just a good dad that does not believe in yelling at, arguing with, or dragging his daughter.

I am going to be optimistic and go with the Good Dad Theory.

I wonder how patient he will be when she is a teenager!

Things That Remind Me I Am a Writer – MOVIE TRAILERS

I am a writer

I do not mean it is my profession. I mean it is who I am. It is part of my very being. I have no more choice in the matter than I have in being a woman.

I am sure I have always been a writer, but it has only been recently that I realized it, and dared to say it.

I still feel at times like I have no idea what I am doing. Like a toddler learning to walk. This blog for instance. I have no idea what to write or how to write it. It is an experiment in self-discovery. I am grateful to anyone that is kind enough to make the journey with me.

So if I am not a writer by profession and if I don’t know the first thing about being a writer, how do I know that I am one? How does a person know anything? How do you know you are in love with someone? It’s like that.

The more comfortable I get with being a writer, the more I develop this part of myself, the more I notice it. Annoying things keep happening that remind me I am a writer.

The way I look at things has changed. The way I think is different. It might even be affecting the way I speak! Sometimes I think I must finally have gone completely insane. Then I realize, no, I am a writer.

 I totally look like a writer!

The Movie Trailer   

I was recently at the movies when it really hit me. I have developed a writer’s brain.

I have this inner desire to write something really great. I have no idea why. I have never cared about things like that before. Now all of a sudden I want to create some amazing work of fiction. Where the heck did that come from?

It happened during the trailers. I love movie trailers! As one of them played, I found myself thinking “Boy, I wish I wrote that! I wonder if I can think of something as good.”

I was impressed with the originality of the story line, the suspense. There were a few things I personally might have done differently. But I only got to see snippets. Maybe they work in the context of the film as a whole. I would like to find out.

Seriously?! You have got to be kidding me! I am suddenly envying screenwriters. This is not like jealousy over things like the invention of post-it notes or some other cool thing that would make me millions. This is real honest to goodness envy. I really do want to write a great thriller.

Sitting there in the theater, I found myself thinking: How does a person come up with an idea like that? Can I do it? I need to do it! How am I gonna make it happen? I started taking mental notes for the remainder of the trailers. What I liked or didn’t, was it just a rehash or was it original….

After the movie, I was thinking about that trailer more than the movie I just saw. I could not get these thoughts out of my head. Granted, it wasn’t the greatest movie, but I am willing to bet these are not the kinds of thoughts that go through the average person’s head as they leave the theater. I know they never used to go through mine before.

Maybe it was a fluke. Maybe I won’t have the same weird reaction to the next batch of trailers. My movie date for this Valentine’s Day might settle the matter. I have a feeling movie trailers will never be the same again.

As odd and confusing as it is to be obsessing over a glorified commercial for a movie I wish I wrote, I also sort of like it. It means that there is a writer alive and well in me that is dying to get out. This writer is also determined to do something great. That is exciting.

My crazy writer brain did not doubt my ability to write that fabulous film script. It went into autopilot studying and strategizing. That is sort of an awesome feeling.

Now I need to keep that alive. How does one do that? Watching movies maybe? Just like novelists improve themselves by reading, maybe screenwriters watch movies.

I will still read of course. Every writer should. It is essential. What will I be reading? A little of everything. Why? I also want to write the next great novel, and collection of short stories, and poems, and…. I did say I am still settling into this writer thing.