I NEVER SQUISH SPIDERS. Why? Because of The Spider Queen and her minions!

Killing Bugs is Wrong! Well, at least when we are in their house.

When I was 12 or 13 years old, my class took a trip to a day camp. When we were out on a dock getting ready get into canoes, a girl was about to squish a bug. BAD IDEA!

The counselor was horrified and scolded her pretty sternly. He explained the following: We were in the bug’s home and we should respect that. That bug was not bothering anyone; we should not bother it. How would you feel if somebody came into your home and squished you?

That really stuck with me. I am a bit of a tree hugger and squashing bugs just for the fun of it is not one of my hobbies. Remembering that day, plus liking bugs, means I really do go out of my way to respect the creepy crawlies when outside. I chose to enter their world and I should respect that!

The rules are a little different in cases of  self-defense.
If a mosquito thinks she is gonna make a meal of me, or that tick thinks he is going for a ride, all bets are off. They are hurting me and the are getting the axe. So it goes when you are at war. Kill or be killed!

What about the bugs that dare to enter MY home?

If a creepy crawly dares to find its way into my home, it will promptly be escorted out. My house is for people and pets. Maybe a houseplant if it is lucky enough to survive. Bees, flies, beetles, millipedes and the like are not welcome. Out the door they go!

If a bug dares to come into my home be hostile – SQUISH! This goes for anything that will be feasting on me, my food, or my home. Mosquitos, ticks, fruit flies, and the like – SQUISH!

SPIDERS have a strict NO SQUISH Policy, always!

I NEVER SQUISH SPIDERS – outside in nature, in my house, even as they crawl across my bare foot.

I have the ultimate respect for spiders. They provide a valuable service by feasting on the “OK to squish” types of bugs. Cleaning up their cobwebs is a small price to pay for a free exterminator. There are a lot of other cool reasons spiders are good and why you shouldn’t kill them.

As cool as spiders are, there are still those arachnophobic types. A lot of them are (gasp) SPIDER SQUISHERS!

spider meme Buckle up, Bitches on FB 483717_431075036982651_1698226842_n

I respect spiders. I am also totally creeped out by spiders. Yup. An arachnophobic type. I get chills just looking at pictures of spiders. Even toy spiders and cartoon spiders give me the creeps. Why? Who knows. Maybe I should never have watched Kingdom of the Spiders at such a young age.

If I am so scared of spiders, you think I would squish one if I saw it crawling around my house. OH NO! I NEVER SQUISH A SPIDER! I am too afraid of spiders to squish them. I don’t want to get that close. The thought of feeling, or hearing, it squish is giving me so much anxiety right now I just had to remind myself to breathe!

Then there is the SPIDER QUEEN! If I squish a spider I risk the Spider Queen sending out her minions in retaliation.

Yes, you read that correctly. The Spider Queen will find out what I did and, like the flying monkeys in the Wizard of Oz, she will dispatch spiders to get me. What will they do to me? I have no idea. And I am glad my crazy mind decided to stop before deciding. I don’t even want to attempt to go there! Nothing good could come if it.

I have no idea where the Spider Queen lives or what she looks like. I am pretty sure she is enormous. A giant wolf spider or tarantula. She is not evil. She pretty much keeps to herself. Like a queen bee. But if I kill a spider, it will make her very angry.

Why hasn’t the Spider Queen done anything about all those spider killers out there? I have no idea. I don’t care about them. This is all about me and me not wanting to be hunted down by spider minions! (This coming from a girl who thinks it is nutty of her friend to be afraid of wonder bread!)

If I don’t squish spiders, what do I do with them?
If I can manage it, I will collect the little guy in a cup and put him outside where he belongs. If I can’t get to the spider, or if they have set up a web, they are welcome to hang out. I stay out of their way. I also give them a name. My crazy brain thinks they are less scary if I name them. And talk to them. Hey, whatever works !

cell oct 2012 098 Yup. That is a spider in my cup!

I have a feeling the spiders have caught on to my “No Squish Policy”.
I seem to see the darn things everywhere. Most recently on the outside of my shower curtain as I was showering. That spidey shadow looked like something right out of a horror movie. Scariest shower ever! After I emerged from the bathroom, my mother (visiting at the time) asked who I was talking to. I was negotiating with the spider to keep its distance. I told you I talk to them. He did not cooperate and ended up on the shower curtain rail, taunting me. I am sure he is bragging to all of his spider friends. Pervert. I hope the Spider Queen gives him a scolding!

What do you think about spiders? Squish or No Squish?

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Wonder Bread and The Big Spoon…the odd things we fear.

Everyone is afraid of something.

Snakes. Heights. Flying. Fear tells us we are in danger. That we should be careful. Fear is good. Unless it spins out of control into a phobia. That is not so good.

Then there is the kind of fear that is just plain funny. Not so extreme to be a phobia, but still very noticeable.  It serves no purpose. It is totally illogical. But we have it anyway. And sometimes all we can do is laugh about it.

Let me give a few examples: That booger sucker bulb thing for babies. I cannot even think of it without shuddering and practically gagging. Why? I have no idea. It is not the boogers. It is the object itself. I am cringing now just writing about it. It totally creeps me out. So do Justin Bieber, Taylor Swift, frozen food, Mickey Mouse, the number three… One of these days I will have to tell you about the Spider Queen.

What follows are two of the most adorable fears I have ever come across. They belong to a good friend of mine. She and I are like two peas in a pod in many respects, mostly of the quirky type. Hopefully we will still be friends after she reads this! Love you, hunny!

Wonder Bread is scary!

Imagine peanut butter and jelly on soft, white bread. The pillowy-soft kind of bread your fingers sink into. Yum! A treat I only dream about since adopting a gluten free diet. Oh there is gluten free bread, but pillowy-soft it is not ! So much for my favorite college hangover breakfast – tuna on white and a glass of milk.

What are sandwich dreams for me are anything but for one of my best friends. Closer to sandwich nightmares. She has an aversion to soft sliced white bread. She is freaked out by soft bread – the kind that your finger sink into. Not because it is stripped of nutrition. Not because she can’t eat wheat. It creeps her out.

The top offender is Wonder Bread. This particular brand is especially frightening. She can’t go near it. Seriously. This American staple in the cheery red, yellow, and blue bag is scary. How can anyone be afraid of something so jolly?! Why this brand? She and I have no idea. All we can figure is that her fear is of soft bread and Wonder Bread does look especially soft.

If I were to put a bunch of Wonder Bread in her kitchen, she might not be able to enter! I think this is completely ridiculous. She knows it is ridiculous. We have had a good laugh over it. We love each other like sisters, quirks included. But still, the sadist in me is dying to send her a great big box of it for the sole purpose of freaking her out. Thank goodness the friend in me can’t bring myself to do it.

So if my quirky friend isn’t eating white bread, what is she eating? She prefers “a hard Italian.” She and I are pretty sure she was referring to bread when she said that.

Forks, Sporks, and the Big Cereal Spoon

I have one of those silverware holders with the slots shaped like the utensils that go in them. Knives on the far left, then forks, then spoons. I grew up with one of these trays in the silverware drawer. Everywhere I have lived I put the utensils in that order, preformed tray or not. That is the order the plastic tray has dictated all these years, so that must be the way they go.

You can imagine my dismay when I was helping put away my friend’s dishes and I saw knives, then spoons, then forks. No no no! Why?! This cannot be. The preformed tray forbids it. It goes knives, then forks, then spoons. All drawers must follow suit! How dare she?!

I shared my confusion and frustration with my friend. She knows I am neurotic. Something like that would easily freak me out. After we laughed about it, I admitted that she has the right to store her kitchen items as she pleases, even if my dysfunctional brain cannot accept it.

I did seriously ask why that particular arrangement. I had to. Like I said, I am neurotic. I needed to know or I would obsess over it forever. Her answer started out simple enough. She uses forks more than spoons and it is easier to access the forks if they are on the outside. OK. Fair enough. She threw me for a loop when I asked her why she uses forks the most.

She does not like spoons. Spoons are scary. She hates using them. Even the thought of using one bothers her. She avoids spoons whenever possible.  Cottage cheese and even yogurt are “fork foods”. I bet she even eats pudding with a fork!  Just the thought of eating with the “big spoon” is enough to give her goosebumps.

I love the big spoon! I use the big spoon all the time. How on earth can you expect me to eat my cereal with that tiny teaspoon?! Why fear spoons at all?

I can see being afraid of knives. There is a definite risk of injury there. Even forks. A fork can be a weapon. My uncle nearly poked my mother’s eye out with a fork. But spoons? They are so curvy. And fun. You can even hang them from the end of your nose! At least I can. A skill  I will happily demonstrate that the dinner table – four star restaurants included. Ice cream is eaten with a spoon. How can that be bad?! Hmmm, could this be an odd expression of a fear of gaining weight? I smell a thesis! Oh wait, I’m not in school anymore. Anyhoo…

In a rare moment of brilliance, my boyfriend posed a question. What does my friend think of sporks? Would this unnatural combination of spoon and fork throw her into a conflicted tailspin of good vs. evil?!  I was totally disappointed in the very bland answer. She explained to me as we had a snack of cottage cheese, me with a spoon and she with her fork. Sporks are not as bad as a spoon, but she would rather use a fork if she had the choice. Guess she isn’t headed for the loony bin quite yet.

Or maybe we both should be locked up. Who spends so much time discussing the nuances of utensil preference? Two loony peas in a pod, that’s who. For now we are free to laugh with, and at, each other. Right, sweetie??

Do you have any ridiculous fears?