Parking Wars… parking lot pet peeves.

Pet Peeve: It sounds like such a cute thing.
Who doesn’t like pets? Peeve is a sort of adorable word. Cute and adorable. Yeah right!

According to the wise and all-knowing Wikipedia: “A pet peeve is a minor annoyance that an individual identifies as particularly annoying to them, to a greater degree than others may find it.”

According to me a pet peeve is some stupid thing a person does that makes me want to punch them in the face. I am generally a non-violent person. I never would punch somebody. But boy sometimes I want to. Admit it, so do you.

This is a collection of my pet peeves related to parking lots.

cell march 15 2013 900

OOPS! Did I Ding Your Door?

This is not about my door. I drive a 2001 Toyota Corolla. That thing has so many dings and scratches that unless you whacked me pretty good I doubt I would notice, especially if it was on the beautifully textured passenger side. The result of a rush hour hit and run.

This is about YOUR DOOR and the definitely deliberate ding I will be delivering.
Why? Because that is the only way I am able to get into my car.

cell march 2013 138 Go ahead and ding her. She hits back!

This is about you, the TOO CLOSE PARKERS!
I just love getting back to my car to find that you have nuzzled right up to my driver side. I know I am plump, and need a bit more room than some, but you have left barely enough room for Lindsay Lohan to slide in after a 40 day fast!

We have established that I don’t care much about my little friend getting a scratch. What about you? What about the shiny shiny paint on your new Lexus? Maybe you should have thought about that before you left a space not even an anorexic at her goal weight could squeeze through.

I am not going to crawl through the passenger side. Oh no no. I am going to very slowly and carefully open my door. I will squeeze my irritated self into my car doing my best not to damage yours. Unlike you, i am courteous, at least in action. You do not want to know what is going through my mind. If I ding your door. So be it.

If I can’t squeeze in without doing serious damage. I have no problem going into the store and having you paged. I will wait while you stop what you are doing and we can have a chat while you move your car. I almost got the pleasure of doing this one day at the grocery store. Lucky for the car owner, she got to her car just as I was loudly saying: “Oh look! I get to ding the door!” She didn’t look very happy. Well lady, next time maybe you will learn to park between the lines!

camera NC trip 004 My, what shiny doors you have!

Going For a Stroll?

It is a very good thing that it is illegal to hit people with your car!
People that stroll around the parking lot like it is a park really get to me.
There are CARS in there, people. Pay attention!

THE WANDERERS
This is to those of you that like to wander from you car to the store with no regard to where you wander. You people who stroll down the middle lane like it is a sidewalk. Snails pace, winding here and there.

You couples that walk five feet apart, taking up the whole lane, but then hit the Walmart and now it is a love fest of hands on back pockets. What gives?!

Families, you are the worst! Parents, why not take this as an opportunity to teach your kids about safety? But no, you spread out like a search line. You know, my bumper is an excellent educational tool.

Cruise 159    Cruise 162
A street fair is one time you can wander the lot.
You can identify this by the presence of vendors and lack of cars!

Listen people. That nice wide lane that you were just driving in – It is for cars!
Stay out of the way!

At the very least, move over when you see a car or hear one behind you. You cannot tell me that you can’t hear my car. I can hear that thing running and I am inside of it with the radio on! In the winter I am sporting studded snow tires. If you can’t hear my noisy tank of a Toyota coming, you might want to invest in a hearing aid. And that is why, as much as I would like to, I don’t beep at you. You won’t have a clue what it means.

I bet you are the same people that CROSS WITHOUT LOOKING!
You are just asking me to hit you. Maybe that is why I want to do it!

Granted, I can see you. I am going very slow. I am not a jerk and I will let you cross. Or did I see you? Maybe I am not looking either? Maybe you should at least give it a quick check. I am pretty sure that if it came down to a meeting of you and my car, the car is going to win.

For those of you that might have lost the message in my rambling.
Try to remember these tips:

Look before you park. Unless you want me to ding your door.

Do not wander the lot like a drunk at a street fair. There are cars trying to drive in there!

Look before you cross. I might not be looking either!

Thank you!

french poodle 8 30 2012 I really am a sweet girl. Just look at this face. Don’t make me go all crazy! 🙂

BUTTERFLIES are UGLY Bugs with PRETTY Wings

Butterfly Cupcakes - close by twokingsconfections on flickr

Butterfly Cupcakes – close
by twokingsconfections on flickr

I Love Butterflies… doesn’t everyone?

When I say “butterfly” what do you think of? Let me guess. Images of delicate, colored wings. Flowers. Beauty. Good things and pretty things. Why not? We decorate things with butterflies to make them pretty – cards, dresses, nurseries, cakes and cupcakes, etc.

Butterflies, for the most part, are pretty and delicate. They flit from flower to flower drinking nectar. What is not to love?

BUTTERFLY by Diganta Talukdar on flickr     butterfly close by .through my eyes. on flickr

BUTTERFLY by Diganta Talukdar on flickr             butterfly close by .through my eyes. on flickr

It’s just an INSECT!

I happen to think insects are cool. I love creepy crawly things. I might be scared to death of some of them, but I still think they are cool.

To all you “oh, they are so pretty” butterfly lovers:
WAKE UP CALL! They are bugs! Creepy insects in fact. Well, except for those wings.

Have you ever seen a butterfly up close? I am not talking about the wings. I am talking about the body, that proboscis, eyes, those six legs – the “bug” parts. If that is all you see, eek! Very cool, but not something I want to decorate my cake with!

Blue Morpho Butterfly by wwarby on flickr     Butterfly close up by Hugo Qintero on flickr

Blue Morpho Butterfly by wwarby on flickr  /  Butterfly close up by Hugo Qintero on flickr

But nobody looks at the bug parts. Everyone is distracted by those beautiful, delicate wings. And why not? Those wings are quite an accomplishment. And let’s not forget the flowers.

Butterfly Blue Morpho by ahisgett on flickr

Butterfly Blue Morpho by ahisgett on flickr

Butterflies are AWESOME

I love butterflies because they are awesome. Ok. And because they are pretty. But more because they are awesome. I will explain.

For one thing, I absolutely love how everyone is so enamoured by an “ugly bug” because it distracts them with pretty wings. People are either very foolish and shallow, or willing to take the bad with the good. Honestly, I don’t think most people ever give it a thought.

The Life Cycle of a butterfly is awesome!

Caterpillars are awesome!
So many different shapes and sizes and textures. Mostly going unnoticed as they crawl around feasting on their plant of choice. Some limited to a single plant species. Eating and eating and growing and growing. Looking for that perfect place to transform.

Caterpillar of European Peacock Butterfly by wallygrom on flickr

Caterpillar of European Peacock Butterfly by wallygrom on flickr

Did you know that Monarch Caterpillars feast exclusively on milkweed? Yes! That butterfly you love is dependent on that weed you hate! Hmm. Are you going to think twice about pulling that weed next time? I bet you still pull it. Gotta keep that flowerbed pretty and full of flowers. For the butterflies.

Metamorphosis is awesome!
That crawly wriggly caterpillar goes along eating and growing, and eating and growing. Preparing. Searching for that perfect place where it will be safe at its most vulnerable. What a task to find that place! That safe place where it will undergo its transformation. What a transformation!

Did you know that butterflies undergo a complete metamorphosis?
The adult is absolutely nothing like the juvenile in every way. After the caterpillar finds its safe place, it becomes a pupa. In this stage it does nothing but work to become the butterfly. No small feat. It does not simply grow legs and wings. The cells reorganize completely! This can take a few weeks, or a few years! Awesome!

Don’t we all wish we could just hide away for two years reorganizing and becoming something new? (Thanks to a super supportive family I am doing something pretty close. This blog is a part of it)

Chrysalis of the Monarch Butterfly close to hatching by Lynda W1 on flickr

Chrysalis of the Monarch Butterfly close to hatching
by Lynda W1 on flickr

The life of a butterfly is awesome!
The goals of butterflies are all the same – to reproduce. Sex (sort of) and babies that you don’t have to raise – What a life!

How they live their short lives varies among species. Some drink nectar. Did you know that butterflies can “smell” flowers from miles away?! Most butterflies never eat at all. No counting calories!

Some butterflies keep to a small range, the Karner Blue Butterfly is an example from NY. Others fly clear across the country! I still have a hard time wrapping my head around the monarch migration. Incredible! Such a delicate insect making such a journey. Maybe that “ugly bug” part is a lot tougher than the wings have you believe. I have a feeling it is.

Unknown Butterfly (Black with Green Spots) by Ber'Zophus on flickr   Butterfly by snowpeak on flickr

Unknown Butterfly (Black with Green Spots)      Butterfly by snowpeak on flickr
by Ber’Zophus on flickr

Awesome Life!
Awesome Diversity!
Awesomely Ugly-Pretty Bug!

What do you think about butterflies?

My Mom Hates Disney Movies!

Can you really hate a Disney movie?

Sure you can. Ask my mother. Well, maybe hate is too strong of a word, but she isn’t a big fan. I would like to say that I love Disney movies. They were a great part of my childhood. I still watch them, the classics and the new ones. I can, however, see my mother’s point.

My mother has two primary complaints about Disney films; the amount of orphan characters and that they are full of death and violence. For those two reasons, she finds Disney movies very upsetting, even traumatizing. Extreme? Maybe a little. Though, this is the same woman who can’t watch nature videos where the big cats are hunting. She most certainly does not want a front seat to the circle of life – real or fictional.

Death and Orphans

These seem to be common themes among Disney films, particularly the classics. Think about it. An awful lot of Disney characters are missing one or both parents. Cinderella, Snow White, Pinocchio, Bambi, Dumbo, Peter Pan, Mowgli, Rapunzel, Pocahontas, Jasmine, Quasimodo, Esmeralda, Ariel, Belle, Simba, Nemo, Tiara, Lilo and Nani,… none of these characters have two parents. I am sure there are more. These are just the ones I can think of off the top of my head.

doe by R0Ng on flickr doe by R0Ng on flickr

Don’t forget the death, traumatic and violent death! I understand that some of these movies are adaptations of fairytales and the main character as an orphan is an essential part of the story.  Cinderella, my favorite Disney movie, would not work if dear daddy was in the picture. A common reason that kids are orphans is that the parents die. But did Disney really need to include the scene where daddy dies in front of the house? In front of his daughter!

Disney writers seem sure to burn that traumatic parental death scene into your brain. Bambi for example – dad gets shot, mom dies in a forest fire. I can see both scenes clearly even though it has been many many years since I have watched Bambi. The Lion King is another violent one. And I will forever be traumatized by the scene in Finding Nemo where his mom gets eaten. I happen to think the movie could have worked just fine without killing the mom. Seriously, Disney. Were you jonesing that badly to go back to the classic gruesomely murdered parent scene. Why?!

Clownfish by aquarist.me on flickr Clownfish by aquarist.me on flickr

Finding Nemo would have worked just as well if mom was still swimming around. I would have liked to see a nagging mom sending the neurotic dad out to the open ocean to find the son that got kidnapped on his watch. Really, isn’t being disabled and kidnapped enough misery without Nemo losing his mom to a ravenous whatever it was?

I am all for Disney’s tradition of characters overcoming obstacles, but at times I think they go a little far. Maybe  they coud be sure the orphan status is essential to the story. Maybe don’t layer on the traumas. Maybe hire less sadistic writers!

Enough with the horrible death scenes! There are sensitive viewers watching. Thirty-something women and their mothers can take only so much!

What is your favorite Disney Movie?
Your favorite Disney orphan? Death scene?

I NEVER SQUISH SPIDERS. Why? Because of The Spider Queen and her minions!

Killing Bugs is Wrong! Well, at least when we are in their house.

When I was 12 or 13 years old, my class took a trip to a day camp. When we were out on a dock getting ready get into canoes, a girl was about to squish a bug. BAD IDEA!

The counselor was horrified and scolded her pretty sternly. He explained the following: We were in the bug’s home and we should respect that. That bug was not bothering anyone; we should not bother it. How would you feel if somebody came into your home and squished you?

That really stuck with me. I am a bit of a tree hugger and squashing bugs just for the fun of it is not one of my hobbies. Remembering that day, plus liking bugs, means I really do go out of my way to respect the creepy crawlies when outside. I chose to enter their world and I should respect that!

The rules are a little different in cases of  self-defense.
If a mosquito thinks she is gonna make a meal of me, or that tick thinks he is going for a ride, all bets are off. They are hurting me and the are getting the axe. So it goes when you are at war. Kill or be killed!

What about the bugs that dare to enter MY home?

If a creepy crawly dares to find its way into my home, it will promptly be escorted out. My house is for people and pets. Maybe a houseplant if it is lucky enough to survive. Bees, flies, beetles, millipedes and the like are not welcome. Out the door they go!

If a bug dares to come into my home be hostile – SQUISH! This goes for anything that will be feasting on me, my food, or my home. Mosquitos, ticks, fruit flies, and the like – SQUISH!

SPIDERS have a strict NO SQUISH Policy, always!

I NEVER SQUISH SPIDERS – outside in nature, in my house, even as they crawl across my bare foot.

I have the ultimate respect for spiders. They provide a valuable service by feasting on the “OK to squish” types of bugs. Cleaning up their cobwebs is a small price to pay for a free exterminator. There are a lot of other cool reasons spiders are good and why you shouldn’t kill them.

As cool as spiders are, there are still those arachnophobic types. A lot of them are (gasp) SPIDER SQUISHERS!

spider meme Buckle up, Bitches on FB 483717_431075036982651_1698226842_n

I respect spiders. I am also totally creeped out by spiders. Yup. An arachnophobic type. I get chills just looking at pictures of spiders. Even toy spiders and cartoon spiders give me the creeps. Why? Who knows. Maybe I should never have watched Kingdom of the Spiders at such a young age.

If I am so scared of spiders, you think I would squish one if I saw it crawling around my house. OH NO! I NEVER SQUISH A SPIDER! I am too afraid of spiders to squish them. I don’t want to get that close. The thought of feeling, or hearing, it squish is giving me so much anxiety right now I just had to remind myself to breathe!

Then there is the SPIDER QUEEN! If I squish a spider I risk the Spider Queen sending out her minions in retaliation.

Yes, you read that correctly. The Spider Queen will find out what I did and, like the flying monkeys in the Wizard of Oz, she will dispatch spiders to get me. What will they do to me? I have no idea. And I am glad my crazy mind decided to stop before deciding. I don’t even want to attempt to go there! Nothing good could come if it.

I have no idea where the Spider Queen lives or what she looks like. I am pretty sure she is enormous. A giant wolf spider or tarantula. She is not evil. She pretty much keeps to herself. Like a queen bee. But if I kill a spider, it will make her very angry.

Why hasn’t the Spider Queen done anything about all those spider killers out there? I have no idea. I don’t care about them. This is all about me and me not wanting to be hunted down by spider minions! (This coming from a girl who thinks it is nutty of her friend to be afraid of wonder bread!)

If I don’t squish spiders, what do I do with them?
If I can manage it, I will collect the little guy in a cup and put him outside where he belongs. If I can’t get to the spider, or if they have set up a web, they are welcome to hang out. I stay out of their way. I also give them a name. My crazy brain thinks they are less scary if I name them. And talk to them. Hey, whatever works !

cell oct 2012 098 Yup. That is a spider in my cup!

I have a feeling the spiders have caught on to my “No Squish Policy”.
I seem to see the darn things everywhere. Most recently on the outside of my shower curtain as I was showering. That spidey shadow looked like something right out of a horror movie. Scariest shower ever! After I emerged from the bathroom, my mother (visiting at the time) asked who I was talking to. I was negotiating with the spider to keep its distance. I told you I talk to them. He did not cooperate and ended up on the shower curtain rail, taunting me. I am sure he is bragging to all of his spider friends. Pervert. I hope the Spider Queen gives him a scolding!

What do you think about spiders? Squish or No Squish?

Wonder Bread and The Big Spoon…the odd things we fear.

Everyone is afraid of something.

Snakes. Heights. Flying. Fear tells us we are in danger. That we should be careful. Fear is good. Unless it spins out of control into a phobia. That is not so good.

Then there is the kind of fear that is just plain funny. Not so extreme to be a phobia, but still very noticeable.  It serves no purpose. It is totally illogical. But we have it anyway. And sometimes all we can do is laugh about it.

Let me give a few examples: That booger sucker bulb thing for babies. I cannot even think of it without shuddering and practically gagging. Why? I have no idea. It is not the boogers. It is the object itself. I am cringing now just writing about it. It totally creeps me out. So do Justin Bieber, Taylor Swift, frozen food, Mickey Mouse, the number three… One of these days I will have to tell you about the Spider Queen.

What follows are two of the most adorable fears I have ever come across. They belong to a good friend of mine. She and I are like two peas in a pod in many respects, mostly of the quirky type. Hopefully we will still be friends after she reads this! Love you, hunny!

Wonder Bread is scary!

Imagine peanut butter and jelly on soft, white bread. The pillowy-soft kind of bread your fingers sink into. Yum! A treat I only dream about since adopting a gluten free diet. Oh there is gluten free bread, but pillowy-soft it is not ! So much for my favorite college hangover breakfast – tuna on white and a glass of milk.

What are sandwich dreams for me are anything but for one of my best friends. Closer to sandwich nightmares. She has an aversion to soft sliced white bread. She is freaked out by soft bread – the kind that your finger sink into. Not because it is stripped of nutrition. Not because she can’t eat wheat. It creeps her out.

The top offender is Wonder Bread. This particular brand is especially frightening. She can’t go near it. Seriously. This American staple in the cheery red, yellow, and blue bag is scary. How can anyone be afraid of something so jolly?! Why this brand? She and I have no idea. All we can figure is that her fear is of soft bread and Wonder Bread does look especially soft.

If I were to put a bunch of Wonder Bread in her kitchen, she might not be able to enter! I think this is completely ridiculous. She knows it is ridiculous. We have had a good laugh over it. We love each other like sisters, quirks included. But still, the sadist in me is dying to send her a great big box of it for the sole purpose of freaking her out. Thank goodness the friend in me can’t bring myself to do it.

So if my quirky friend isn’t eating white bread, what is she eating? She prefers “a hard Italian.” She and I are pretty sure she was referring to bread when she said that.

Forks, Sporks, and the Big Cereal Spoon

I have one of those silverware holders with the slots shaped like the utensils that go in them. Knives on the far left, then forks, then spoons. I grew up with one of these trays in the silverware drawer. Everywhere I have lived I put the utensils in that order, preformed tray or not. That is the order the plastic tray has dictated all these years, so that must be the way they go.

You can imagine my dismay when I was helping put away my friend’s dishes and I saw knives, then spoons, then forks. No no no! Why?! This cannot be. The preformed tray forbids it. It goes knives, then forks, then spoons. All drawers must follow suit! How dare she?!

I shared my confusion and frustration with my friend. She knows I am neurotic. Something like that would easily freak me out. After we laughed about it, I admitted that she has the right to store her kitchen items as she pleases, even if my dysfunctional brain cannot accept it.

I did seriously ask why that particular arrangement. I had to. Like I said, I am neurotic. I needed to know or I would obsess over it forever. Her answer started out simple enough. She uses forks more than spoons and it is easier to access the forks if they are on the outside. OK. Fair enough. She threw me for a loop when I asked her why she uses forks the most.

She does not like spoons. Spoons are scary. She hates using them. Even the thought of using one bothers her. She avoids spoons whenever possible.  Cottage cheese and even yogurt are “fork foods”. I bet she even eats pudding with a fork!  Just the thought of eating with the “big spoon” is enough to give her goosebumps.

I love the big spoon! I use the big spoon all the time. How on earth can you expect me to eat my cereal with that tiny teaspoon?! Why fear spoons at all?

I can see being afraid of knives. There is a definite risk of injury there. Even forks. A fork can be a weapon. My uncle nearly poked my mother’s eye out with a fork. But spoons? They are so curvy. And fun. You can even hang them from the end of your nose! At least I can. A skill  I will happily demonstrate that the dinner table – four star restaurants included. Ice cream is eaten with a spoon. How can that be bad?! Hmmm, could this be an odd expression of a fear of gaining weight? I smell a thesis! Oh wait, I’m not in school anymore. Anyhoo…

In a rare moment of brilliance, my boyfriend posed a question. What does my friend think of sporks? Would this unnatural combination of spoon and fork throw her into a conflicted tailspin of good vs. evil?!  I was totally disappointed in the very bland answer. She explained to me as we had a snack of cottage cheese, me with a spoon and she with her fork. Sporks are not as bad as a spoon, but she would rather use a fork if she had the choice. Guess she isn’t headed for the loony bin quite yet.

Or maybe we both should be locked up. Who spends so much time discussing the nuances of utensil preference? Two loony peas in a pod, that’s who. For now we are free to laugh with, and at, each other. Right, sweetie??

Do you have any ridiculous fears?

Top Gun is a Chick Flick

Top Gun is Totally a Chick Flick…
But don’t panic guys. You can still enjoy it.

Top Gun is one of my all-time favorite movies. I used to think it was because I was a tad bit of a tomboy. I liked to play outdoors. I spent a lot of time with my older brother who happened to be obsessed with Naval Aviation too boot.

As I got older I realized I was not being tomboyish at all with this selection. A lot of chicks like Top Gun. I mean A LOT! Then it occurred to me why… Top Gun is a total chick flick.

Action Movie vs. Chick Flick

I admit, Top Gun has action, fighter jets, good guys vs. bad guys, motorcycles, cool music, awesome one liners, and other things guys love in a movie. Sounds like an action movie, right? Nope. It also has romance, tragedy, love songs, shirtless men, and tons of female fans. So maybe it is a toss-up. Nope. Total Chick Flick. Allow me to explain.

Cast of Characters

The Boys:
The main character, Maverick, is played by Tom Cruise in his dreamy heart-throb phase. Yum! The guys want to be him and the girls want to be with him. Both are so enthralled with this that neither one seems to realize they are lusting after the same man!
Next is Anthony Edwards as Goose, the adorable good boy compliment to Maverick’s bad boy (and I use that term loosely).
Now add a dash of Val Kilmer and some shirtless, sweaty locker room and beach volleyball scenes.
If there is a lady out there left that hasn’t seen this movie, I guarantee she is popping over to Netflix as we speak. One more thing, did I mention the shirtless men?

The Girls:
The eye candy above should be enough to slap on a “Chick Approved” label, but even the female leads add to the Chick-ness. The women, though few, in this “action movie” are characters, not eye candy. They also do not spend the majority of the film sporting cleavage and dresses cut clear up to their hoo-has.
Maverick’s love interest, played by Kelly McGillis, is sexy enough to attract the attention of the dudes, yet sophisticated enough not to turn off the ladies. Then there is Meg Ryan as Goose’s adorable wife. Need I mention the numerous chick flicks she now has under her belt?

The Plot

There is some sort of action plot going on in this film. What is it? Something about fighter jet training and some actual bad guys to go get. It doesn’t seem to be an essential part of the movie except that it has to be there so they can have those cool jet fighter scenes with the shooting and awesome musical scores. Oh, and the cool one liners. Guys really do love those.

Much of the plot seems to focus on Maverick’s quest to woo his attractive flight instructor. This is done in such an over the top way that guys only wish they could pull it off and the girls laugh knowing they never could. There is no gratuitous sex or nudity. Sorry guys. There is a beautiful love scene set to the Berlin song Take My Breath Away. Chick Flick folks!

Let’s not forget Maverick’s journey of self-discovery. Finally, there’s the tear jerking tragedy with Goose. I could totally do without that part. Gets me every time! Need I point out that tear-jerking is a classic chick flick trait?

Guys can still love Top Gun.

Don’t worry fellas. You can still love Top Gun without losing your man card. Just like I can love Fight Club and Rambo and still be a chick. So go ahead. Watch away. Enjoy those one liners. We actually think it’s cute when you quote them. Better yet, watch with us.

Trust me guys. If you want to enjoy some quality couch time with your girl, this is a great movie to watch together. Neither one of you will be bored. You will avoid getting slapped as you try to grope her in your desperate attempt to enjoy yourself during the most boring movie ever. She will not be sneaking out the door, unnoticed by you, while you are lost in cleavage and graphic violence.

Chick flick or not (it is), Top Gun is a great movie. Enjoy it!

Some other movies the chicks and dudes can agree on…

Braveheart

Gladiator

Jerry Maguire

A Bronx Tale

Why I Love The Super Bowl – and will watch every second of it!

I watch the Super Bowl every year. I don’t remember ever missing one. Do I necessarily remember who won them, or who even played? No. Do I care? No. Still every year come playoff time I await the Super Bowl like a kids waits for Christmas!

The Super Bowl is one of my favorite holidays…

Don’t even attempt to argue with me on this one. It is a holiday. It happens around the same time every year. People get together. There is food and alcohol. What about this doesn’t sound like a holiday? I look forward to the Super Bowl way more than a lot “real” holidays. When is the last time you were excited about Columbus Day? Unless maybe you were eying something in Macy’s annual sale.

For those of you that are still doubting my “the Super Bowl is a holiday” theory. I will now briefly list the things that are celebrated on this glorious Sunday…

Beer!

Lots of beer. Bottles of beer. Cans. If you really have a party going, maybe a keg or two! Me? I just want a bottle or two of frosty beer. More specifically, I want to drink cheap beer. Bud! Bud light! These are a must have. I wait all year for the chance to partake in these most watery of beers without shame. To be honest, I do like Bud Light. I always have.
I also love beer commercials. Who doesn’t like to see girls in bikinis jumping over snow-covered mountains. You better believe the Super Bowl is gonna have a few beer commercials – more on those later.

Pizza Pizza!

I love pizza! Cheese pizza, pepperoni pizza, pizza with veggies, pizza pizza pizza. I look forward to a Super Bowl pizza like some folks look forward to their Thanksgiving Turkey. Several years ago I developed an intolerance for wheat. Pizza is one of the things that make me the sickest. Well you can be damned if I am going to be deprived of my Super Bowl pizza!

Chicken Wings!

Did you really think I was gonna have pizza and beer and no wings? That is like having a burger and soda with no fries. It just isn’t done! Yes, folks. I look forward to Super Bowl Sunday because I use it as an excuse to eat an embarrassing amount of chicken wings with absolutely no shame. The more the better! For those of you health conscious folks that are cringing at the thought, I do manage to fit in a few carrot sticks. But really, it’s all about the wings.

Beer, Pizza, and Wings. The triple crown of Super Bowl fare. Sure, you can have more. You can even have (gasp) healthy options. But if you don’t have those three, I will be celebrating my holiday elsewhere.

Commercials!

The Super Bowl is the only program I know where people look forward to the commercials. Some people watch solely for the commercials. At least that is how it used to be. The past few years have seen a steady decline in commercial quality. And now companies are putting out pre-game teasers. Really. Commercials for commercials. Leave it to big corporate to ruin a good thing if they think they can make a buck. That being said, I will still be watching. It is tradition. Some people watch It’s a Wonderful Life a certain time every year, I watch Super Bowl Commercials. I can’t help it. I wait impatiently every commercial break hoping to see those Clydesdales. And what about that talking baby! I will suffer through the bombs to see an occasional touchdown. Then there is the simple curiosity to see what companies felt was worth shelling out $4 million.

The Game!

As I hinted at, I don’t much care who is playing. I do watch football, but really don’t follow teams. I can tell you I am immensely happy that there will not be a Tom Brady or a Tim Tebow on the field. I would be happy if I went the remainder of my sort-of-football-watching life never hearing those nanes again! What I do want to hear are some bone crushing sacks. i want to see some sneaky interceptions. I want to cringe and yell at the TV every time I see a fumble. “It is your job to catch and hold on to a ball. How in _’s sake do you drop it like that?!” I just want to see a good game!

This year I do care a little about the teams too. I have liked the Ravens this season. I have no Idea why. Maybe it has to do with my favorite color. And I do enjoy watching Flacco – not sick of that name yet. I am excited to see them matched up against the 49ers. Why? Due to my craziest football tradition ever. I like to imagine the mascots battling! Yes. I am crazy. Certifiable. But it is fun crazy! I already have images in my mind of clouds of ravens attacking coal miners in the spirit of Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds. The Ravens are totally gonna peck the 49ers eyes out!!!

Friends!!!

If I still have any friends left at this point, I would love to watch with you. Just like families gather around the tree Christmas morning, I want to gather aroung the TV with my friends on Super Bowl Sunday. There will be yelling, drinking, eating. People will do dumb things. A huge mess will be made. I will gain tn pounds and it will totally be worth it…. Sounds like a holiday to me!

So, you know what I will be doing this sunday….

Beer, pizza, wings. Commercials. Football. Will the commercials suck? All but a few.
Will this year’s game be exciting to watch? Who knows? Anything happens at the Super Bowl.

That is why I will be watching every second. Except for the halftime show. That is when I finally get to go pee!!!